Welcome to Live Hella Well
It’s an intentionally and wonderfully lazy Saturday.
That’s me in the photo above. Me doing everything but publishing my first blog post. As I’m writing this, I’m sitting on my couch, I have a bowl of popcorn precariously perched on my lap and a bottle of sparkling water is propped up next to me. My feet are up and my tv is on but muted.
Prior to this moment, I was doing everything I possibly could to procrastinate actually launching Live Hella Well. See, I had the idea to start this blog about three months ago. On the last morning of a visit to my friends in Florida I woke up and decided this was what I wanted to do. I’d start a wellness blog. But not a typical one, it’d be authentic to my wellness journey, which is a circular loop de loop meandering path as a woman of color who has been through it—and is sometimes still in it—and wants to share my practice working on wellness.
I was excited as I packed my bags and hugged my friends goodbye. By the time I walked off the plane back home in DC, I had brainstormed names, checked their domain availability, and drafted an about page. But the next day crippling self-doubt set in right after I bought the domain and site theme. Who was I to advocate for wellness? Imposter syndrome showed up in a way that it hasn’t for years.
Imposter syndrome: Dr. Ellen Hendriksen sums it up as, “a pervasive feeling of self-doubt, insecurity, or fraudulence despite often overwhelming evidence to the contrary.” The term imposter syndrome has been around since the late 1970s, though more recent research shows that it can hit marginalized people, and especially women of color, pretty hard.
So, enter imposter syndrome and all the negative thoughts. Wellness blogger? Me? I don’t drink green juice daily. I mean I like green juice but I’d never go on a juice cleanse. I work out regularly but not every day. I’m rebuilding my yoga practice, but I can’t do a handstand. If there are treats in the office, I’m definitely having one if I feel like it. Yeah, a cupcake at 11 am because it’s Sarah’s birthday sounds like a delicious idea. I enjoy a spicy cocktail—or a basic vodka soda if craft cocktail options are bleak. And if I’m with friends and a good bottle of wine comes out, I’m not turning down a glass or two. Actually, if I’m by myself and have a good bottle of wine and I’m particularly proud of the dinner I made, the day I had, the run I went on, pretty much anything good...I’ll have a glass and toast the achievement.
You get the picture. This is all to say that I’m not the woman who seems to dominate wellness articles and Instagram posts—a thin white woman toting her yoga mat, smiling with a smoothie in bright sunlight. And I don’t want to be. Let’s make that clear. But I’m also not the super-centered earth goddess woman of color wellness bloggers I admire. I actually remember walking down the street a few weeks ago and thinking, “I bet Fran from Hey Fran Hey doesn’t drink.” I realized immediately (because I’m not totally delusional) I don’t know if Fran drinks, and it doesn’t matter. But the negative self-talk was hitting. HITTING HARD.
So, I took a step back from my unlaunched blog. It was supposed to be authentic and real and I felt anything but. Ideas for posts kept coming to me. I’d scribble them down in my notebook and then shut it, telling myself that I’d write soon just not at that moment. I had to work out in the morning. I was too busy at work. I was too tired at night. The excuses came easily. Until today.
As I played a game of Connect Four in iMessage and texted with my friend for hours, I kept my laptop near and my site up. But I still wasn’t feeling ready to write so in-between moves I decided to start Live Hella Well’s Instagram page instead. I’ll just look up what makes good content I told myself…as if I haven’t been thinking about this for months already. And then, the best thing happened. The first search result I clicked on, “9 Inspiring Wellness Instagram Accounts That Actually Know How To Keep It Real” was actually inspiring. It features a list of women wellness bloggers, who advocate for real bodies, real food, postpartum truths, non-airbrushed photos, and ice cream before dinner. These women didn’t make me feel like a fraud. They actually encouraged me to stop f** around and write my first post.
I was reminded I’m not in the business of selling green juice cleanses or showing off perfect yoga poses in perfect lighting or even pretending my diet is on point, because spoiler, it’s not.
I’m here to document my wellness journey. To talk about how I’m finding the motivation to run more miles and what it mentally feels like to fall out of crow pose in yoga class surrounded by folks who seemed to have mastered it (why am I always in those classes?). I’m here to ruminate on my transition back to vegetarianism. To share what it’s like for me to eat healthy and balanced—and I’m learning that sometimes “balanced” is balancing a cookie into my mouth before lunch because I really want it and it’s only one cookie and hey, I’m eating the rest of the zoodles dish I made last night for lunch so bring. it. on.
I reminded myself that I wanted to start Live Hell Well to share my real experiences with anyone who is also on their own meandering but purposeful journey to wellness. I believe ‘wellness’ comes in many forms and isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution. Wellness to me is an approach to living a life that makes you feel whole, loved, and taken care of mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Live Hella Well isn’t about promoting the wellness industrial complex (promise I won’t use that phrase again) but it is about promoting living life on our own terms towards the goal of being well.
I can only be myself and do my own wellness thing with self-compassion and confidence in my journey. And I know that even though I’ve kicked this particular bout of imposter syndrome to the curb, it’ll find another fun situation to show up and stall my desire to jump in and do what I came to do. And that’s okay. I’ll move through it and get beyond it. And I’ll probably write about it. So imposter syndrome, buh bye. Live Hella Well, hello. I’m happy to finally be here.